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THE HILARIOUS COVID-19 PANDEMIC Note: Reprint from 2020, the Year of the Fantastic Liberal Fuck-Up



A FEW FIXES TO HELP THE MAJOR LEAGUES

Baseball sucks, and if you want my opinion, it has since around 1990. This year closes the book on the former National Pastime.


In case you had forgotten, pro sports teams are attempting to restart/finish their respective seasons.

Here's a Top Ten Helpful Suggestions for Major League Baseball, currently drowning in Covid-19 cases in young men who only have a 99.998% chance of survival:

-       Make sure you test all the cardboard cutouts for the virus.

-       Shrink wrap all bats and gloves, particularly the Yankees.

-       Shrink wrap the heads of the sports pundits, save for two nose holes.

-       Shrink wrap Keith Olbermann and put him out on trash day.

-       Since they look and sound like Little League games, limit the contests to five or six innings.

-       Award the losing team half a win for bothering to show up.

-       Instead of crowd noise, use a laugh track. It's more appropriate.

-       Dock the Mets several wins for their unfair advantage of being able to play in front of so few fans for so many seasons.

-       If you kneel during the National Anthem, you have to kneel for the duration of the game, except for the catchers. That should make defensive plays VERY interesting.

-       The pitching machines should be retrofitted and placed in centerfield so they can shoot beer bottles onto the field during a blown call by the umpires.

The games will still suck, but at least they'll be more fun to watch.

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